I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
