Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
