nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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