When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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