I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
