im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable