Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.