if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.