You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.