I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
