to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
