another moral hangover. fuck.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
