I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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