Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
