Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
