When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
