actually, I'm a sock model
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
