New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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