The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize