party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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