they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
