Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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