I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
