New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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