I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
