Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
