the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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