grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
