The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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