did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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