woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
