I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
