I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
bring money and cleavage
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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