he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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