note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
