I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
