just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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