Your mouth is God's brothel.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
