What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
