My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
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Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
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I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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