Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You are the jesus of drinking
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
