I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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