Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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