Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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