She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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