my vag is so smooth its legendary
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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