saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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