Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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