my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
