Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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