I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
