I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
