You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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