So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
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i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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