Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
