I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Less talking, more tequila
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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