I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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