Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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