walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
